Where To Begin... (again)

As is often the case, things did not go as expected at my used-to-be-new-job in New Mexico. Sometimes I don't even realize I have expectations for experiences until things unfold and I find myself scrambling to make sense of them.

I might have been able to predict that things would go poorly as early as my second day of work. Call it optimism, call it naivety, or perhaps stubbornness. In this case, I might have actively distorted reality to maintain a sense of optimism. Hindsight doesn't always offer one the clearest understanding of past experiences. Regardless of the motivation behind the blinders, I did document some of my more startling moments.

I've been in the process of sorting things out since leaving that job. I didn't turn my documentation into Human Resources. Instead of them letting the documentation collect its version of saved electronic dust, I thought I might engage in a more public yet anonymous airing of grievances. Especially since I'm still in the process of putting the pieces back together.

01.25.12

I started work at The Hospital on 01.24.12. I learned that Dr. D would be my supervisor, and he and one of my co-workers, G, started orienting me to The Hospital and my upcoming work load. I did regular adjust-to-work activities: met co-workers, started to set up my office, and tried to understand the different reports I would have to write in my new position.

On 01.25.12 in the afternoon, I stopped by Dr. D’s office to discuss the report that was due that Friday. While I sat on his office couch, Dr. D checked his messages on speaker phone. A social worker, M, had left a message asking Dr. D to please not tell his clients when they will be discharged. Dr. D listened to the message approximately three times, and then turned to me and offered his side of the story. The rest of our meeting was focused on the voicemail until M passed Dr. D’s door. Dr. D asked if they could talk and proceeded, in front of me, to protest to M that he does not tell clients when they will be discharged and that he resented being implicated for things he did not do. M said that the client himself told M that Dr. D had told the client when he would leave. Dr. D said he resented that M would take a client’s word over his.

As the conversation progressed, their voices became louder, they interrupted each other more, and both appeared angry. I excused myself from the room. As I left, Dr. D said, “You don’t have to leave.” I told him, “I’m not comfortable watching this,” and returned to my office.

About a week later, in group supervision with Dr. D and G (Dr. D sat in his office chair, G sat on his office couch, and I sat on the chair by the window), Dr. D asked us about our theoretical orientations. I told him that I am a cognitive-behavioral therapist. He told us that he appreciates Freud’s theories and believes that people can gain a lot of insight from his theories. He also talked about how his dissertation investigated language, and the importance of Freudian slips; how they allow for insight into people’s unconscious experience.

He then gave us an example of a “meaningful” Freudian slip based on an experience with his co-worker, M, and two of his previous interns. He said that a few years before, his two interns were sitting on the couch in his office. He reflected that the female intern in question was attractive by most people’s standards.  He said that M stopped by his office and engaged in conversation with the three people in Dr. D’s office. He also stated that M did not usually stop by his door to talk with him, but appeared to do so when the female intern was in his office. Dr. D said that at some point in the conversation, one of the interns said either, “short" or “tiny,” and that M appeared flustered (paraphrase).

In the conversation with G and me, he reminded us that his dissertation had to do with language, unconscious slips of the tongue, and the meaning behind the mistakes. He then asked, “Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and, in the middle of a sentence, they use a word that doesn’t belong in the sentence at all, but don’t notice?” He then said that during the discussion with M, himself, and the two interns, M said, “penis,” in the middle of a non-related sentence, and that he and the two interns heard M say it, but that M did not appear to recognize that he had said "penis."

His conclusion was that M is concerned about his “tiny penis.”

You don't have to have a degree in Clinical Psychology to assume that Dr. D might have his own problems. Presumably they are non-penis related, but really, who can say (since he felt so comfortable speculating about others' genitalia to his supervisees, I really don't feel like he should be off the hook in that regard. I just find it highly distasteful to speculate about such matters, even at his expense).

I will spend a while, however, thinking about how I wish I had responded to these situations, which occurred during my second day and second week of work. Such uncomfortable times escalated to harassment, and I left that position under horrible circumstances. My self-esteem and self-efficacy took some major hits. I also lost some friends. 

But really, given the experiences of the second day and second week, I can't say that I'm too surprised.