As mentioned in previous posts, I am in the process of moving from job-searching (based in Seattle, WA, and Atlanta, GA) to my new job (in Northeast New Mexico). I am also transitioning from being a graduate student (in Laramie, WY) to the afore-mentioned job.
A lot of my most recent focus has been relief. Relief that I have something lined up after a such a long (four months) period of uncertainty, joblessness, and lack of a paycheck (= relying on my parents in my mid-30s. Doesn't feel good. AND I'm so grateful for them). The relief of having secured a position, of signing a contract, has been so welcome that I have actually dropped the ball on other goals I'd set for myself that had been anxiety-based.
Don't get me wrong. The goals are still sound and I should pursue them. But the relief is so over-whelming that I've allowed myself to spin a cocoon of it and rest for a spell. The resting has become stagmenting, I think. Hopefully I'll emerge from said cocoon... hopefully, better.
Oddly enough, I've also spent a lot of time being past-oriented. Especially regarding my last two years as a graduate student in Laramie, and of my years in New York. I have been tormenting myself. I could have been a better, more timely graduate student. I could have found a way to stay in New York. I could have found a way to keep my friend systems intact. I could have found a way to emerge from both experiences with my head above water instead of feeling like I'm drowning. Instead of, at times, actually drowning.
But I didn't. At that time, instead of feeling like I was cocooned within the safety of my experience, I felt submerged and drowned by it. In New York, while I had some of the best friends I've had in my life, some of the most in-the-moment and exhilerating experiences to date, I also had unfulfilling jobs and an emotionally neglectful relationship that helped sap my self-esteem and self-efficacy. At times I felt terrorized (not exaggerating) by street harassment to the point where I didn't want to leave my apartment. I also had depressive breaks that threatened my physical well-being. So the focus on the past is somewhat odd, when assessed. Doesn't serve to expand, but serves as a weight. I think that this particular focus is a bit of a habit. A dead-weight, emotional-drain habit.
To break said habit, I will shift my present focus on the future.
I don't believe that's always healthy. I typically advocate for a more present-oriented focus. As my present has resulted in inactivity (and is presently engaged in one of the most stressful undertakings to which human and cat can commit; moving across country), I think a little future focus... a little optimistic future focus, could be quite helpful.
I get to have a place to myself. I get to have a job in which I will be challenged on a personal level and that will allow me to help make our community safer. I will have time and funds to engage in activities I enjoy and that help me be a better-grounded, better-rounded individual. I will be challenged to make new friends. I get to aggregate all of the lessons I have learned in different times and places and apply them to a new space, a new era of my life.
This new focus represents such a healthier place than I've seen for a spell. Today I was overwhelmed by the past. Fantastic to end the evening embracing tomorrow, and the next day, and all that could happen from here on out.
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