A piece of a part of the process

When I was a kid I believed that being an adult would be cool because adults had everything figured out. Transitioning from child- to adulthood would be a categorical shift, fundamentally different, and, once reached, a state of easier living characterized by knowing how to handle challenges as they arose. Although being that together seemed intimidating as I was a somewhat fearful child and couldn't imagine how one achieved that adulthood togetherness, I looked forward to the shift because hey- who wouldn't want to be that contained, composed, and confident.

Graduate school relieved me of that delusion. College was fun for me, and my first true academic challenge was getting accepted into a Ph.D. clinical psychology program (a tough life pursuit, by the way... I'm not sure I'd recommend it). Once I enrolled in my graduate program, though, I figured my academic pursuits would be a downhill stroll.

They weren't...
Five years and two advisors later when I finally earned my M.S., I thought "Okay. Now I have the system figured out. I can do this."

When I failed my comprehensive exams two years afterwards, it had more than dawned on me that each new challenge; Hell. Each new day, sometimes, would present me with new problems to figure out and new struggles that made me want to stay in bed for the day, if not the week or longer.

There is always something else. After comps, internship. After internship, dissertation (most people do not go in that order, by the way...). After completing my dissertation and earning my degree, job hunt. After securing a contract position and reframing that accomplishment in a way that helps me feel proud of the offer as it is a shit economy and any position is something about which I should be proud, I now get to consider what will happen after my contract ends in June and  how to become licensed.

I look back and am proud of myself for achieving the different milestones behind me. If I'm not careful, I look forward and still feel more than a little overwhelmed by the challenges I can see ahead of me, even more so the unknown challenges.

So with all of this downtime, I am taking the time to practice seeing the world differently. I have not been a child for a long time. I started deconstructing my childhood view of adulthood years ago, but remnants of that childhood view on adulthood remain. In addition, the examples I shared have come from one domain of my life; my academic pursuits. The process of figuring out other parts of my life: romantic relationships, friendships, views on faith, my basic value system. All of those domains have been challenged at one time or another, and at thirty-six, my childhood self would have thought I'd have figured 'it' out by now.

My new, adult worldview includes the understanding that life is a process (and that understanding is just a piece of that process). Hopefully if we are open to new challenges as they present themselves, we can continue to gain some mastery and new knowledge regarding this crazy-ass 'life' experience. Even our failures can direct us in what we can do better next time.

Most of all, I hope to practice approaching new things with curiosity instead of fear... practice until the approach becomes second nature. Until that approach becomes a part of me. With that in place, I can look back on where I've been and be not only proud of what I've accomplished before I had this understanding, but, unlike I did as a child, look forward to the future not as a final accomplishment to achieve, but as an adventure to experience.