Where To Begin... (again)

As is often the case, things did not go as expected at my used-to-be-new-job in New Mexico. Sometimes I don't even realize I have expectations for experiences until things unfold and I find myself scrambling to make sense of them.

I might have been able to predict that things would go poorly as early as my second day of work. Call it optimism, call it naivety, or perhaps stubbornness. In this case, I might have actively distorted reality to maintain a sense of optimism. Hindsight doesn't always offer one the clearest understanding of past experiences. Regardless of the motivation behind the blinders, I did document some of my more startling moments.

I've been in the process of sorting things out since leaving that job. I didn't turn my documentation into Human Resources. Instead of them letting the documentation collect its version of saved electronic dust, I thought I might engage in a more public yet anonymous airing of grievances. Especially since I'm still in the process of putting the pieces back together.

I read my favorite bloggers and so respect how they process information so quickly and so well. I keep a journal because I benefit from processing the things that I've experienced. Sometimes processing isn't enough. I've decided to start writing here again because I would like interact with others. I wonder if it's a smart decision.

Driving at night

As alluded to in earlier entries to this blog, I recently moved across country, from Georgia to New Mexico (with a pesky side-trip to New York to pick up the vast majority of my possessions that had been in storage for two years). I had the help of my parents (which meant more mom and dad time than I'd had in the last 28 years of my life... and I will be eternally grateful, but ugh), their truck, and their church's 6x10 trailer. The last saved a ton of money as we didn't have to rent from U-haul, but we were "Sharing God's Love" through north Georgia, South and North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia... through Brooklyn's less savory neighborhoods (Brownsville, yo!) and then throughout the Midwest. As a card-carrying atheist and someone who prides herself as independent, it was quite the identity crisis.

Upon arriving in New Mexico, mom and dad went to Seattle to tie up other loose ends for my move, and my sister came down from Seattle for a quick visit. When mom and dad came back into town, they had sad and horrible news: the 17-year-old daughter of family friends had died in a car wreck the previous weekend.

My sister and I did not know the young woman in question well, although we had just seen her at our home for a holiday party. I knew her parents much better, and still cannot imagine the hole in the lives of her mother and father, her sister, and all of the people who love her. Such sudden, non-sensical loss. Devastating, and my thoughts still go out to that grieving community.

Sometimes I forget.

I earned my Ph.D.!!!

I am not trying to be self-congratulatory. It's just I worked my ass off of these stupid letters behind my name, and nothing really changed directly after getting them.

Now I'm on the cusp of a new job and a new place to live. And I'm wicked excited!!!

Reminisces (Moving: Day 4)

The weirdest things come out when traveling with parents for an extended period of time. Exasperation regarding their dependency of relying on the GPS system's directions when the road sign clearly confirms that we are, in fact, exactly where we want to be. Learning that a parent credits our grandparents with the quality of our family's grandchildren when, in fact, the grandparents in question are assholes and the parents in question are quite sound. Seeing my mother's external self-hatred and re-realizing the roots of my depression.

Perhaps the weirdest outcome of tonight... New Year's Eve, 2011, is that I revealed I had been roofied by a bartender who both of my parents had met. The incident was years ago. I don't even know why I told them. Maybe just to be a little better known by the people who should (but don't) know me best.

Being known. Important. Fresh starts? I actually don't believe in them. It all builds, and if we acknowledge our past and learn and grow from it, we're healthier for that recognition.

So perhaps that's what this post is about. Acknowledging that these things... they have happened. I am committed to doing even better during each iteration, which includes acknowledging the people I love can annoy and let me down, people can abuse me, and that I feel a pressure to be better than I've been to date. Sharing my successes and failures with those who accompany me through the process... I guess that makes sense.

Shifting the focus (Moving: Day 2)

As mentioned in previous posts, I am in the process of moving from job-searching (based in Seattle, WA, and Atlanta, GA) to my new job (in Northeast New Mexico). I am also transitioning from being a graduate student (in Laramie, WY) to the afore-mentioned job.

A lot of my most recent focus has been relief. Relief that I have something lined up after a such a long (four months) period of uncertainty, joblessness, and lack of a paycheck (= relying on my parents in my mid-30s. Doesn't feel good. AND I'm so grateful for them). The relief of having secured a position, of signing a contract, has been so welcome that I have actually dropped the ball on other goals I'd set for myself that had been anxiety-based.

Moving sucks (Moving: Day 1)

'Moving sucks...' like that's new information. Quick list of today's suckitude:

1. Leaving at 3:50 a.m. Which meant that I had to wake up at 3:00 a.m.

2. Yowling cat.

3. Realizing before my dad wanted me to take a driving shift that I had packed my driver's license (and debit card. And my mother's Sam's card) somewhere in the moving van. (Upside? Found it when I opened my first box!!)

4. Realizing I offended/hurt my mother to the point of tears when I jokingly referred to her as a 'nervous passenger' (although she is!!). She spent the rest of the day offering to drive, but revoking the offer because "I know it would drive you two crazy."

5. Having someone try to steal our trailer while we had a family dinner at Chili's.

It's over now. and mom and dad and I had quality family time. Or something. Now I'm going to refresh my glass of wine and go to bed.